Stigma...

I kept my bipolar diagnois a secret from everyone except my wife for months. I finally did tell my mom and dad and my mother-in-law. Right away they had a denial about it and said I just need to think positive thoughts.

I looked up everything I could find about bipolar on the internet and then choose the top 5 resourses and sent them links to them.
Amazing, once they read about bipolar from independant sources on the internet how their attitudes have changed.

Now they even ask me how I'm feeling (overall pretty good) and how well my meds are working (very good).

So don't be in dispair if your loved ones don't understand the nature of a mental illness. Educate them as much as possible. The internet can possibly teach them more than you can.

Eleanor Rooselvelt once said,"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"Don't let peoples ingnorance of the facts effect your self esteem.

Nobody can steal your joy- You have to give it away !

Getting rid of Paxil....

I told the pdoc that even though paxil works great for me, I can't stand the weight gain that came with it. To date I've gained over 30 pounds in the last 6 months. I cant stand to even look at myself in the mirror. I was already over weight before the paxil and now the med has me looking like a water ballon thats ready to pop.

He agreed that we can start the withdraw from paxil and then see what happens. He knows I'll still need some sort of antidepressant, but will cross that bridge in 4 weeks.
For now I'm to cut my dosage in half each week for the next three weeks then quit it altogether. My guess is that I'll end up on Wellbutrin or something similar that doesn't have weight gain associated with it.

How I feel 

Vacation and Paxil withdraws...

Enjoying my vacation- went fishing and worked around the house the last few days.
The only downside so far is that I ran out of my paxil for 2 days. Talk about withdraws- got extremely dizzy and shaky. Paxil is tough on you when you dont have it. Today I got my prescription in the mail so I'm good for the next 90 days. As soon as I took a paxil and it got back into my system I started feeling better right away.

Much needed rest and relaxation...

Last day of work. Now I'm on vacation for the next 14 days. Whoo-hoo !
Plan on doing some fishing, camping, biking and other activities that I like that I haven't done much of in the last year.

It sure can't hurt my attitude and stress levels.

Hope I didn't depress you...

I was just re- reading my last post ... It sure sounds depressing. I hope I didn't bum you out.

I'm done working the overtime and got my much needed sleep. How much sleep I get is in a direct correlation to how I feel.
In my case I tend to feel more hypomania when I get less sleep. When I'm feeling a depressive phase I tend to need more sleep. I try to not oversleep as that makes me feel worse and exhausted.

I've been blog surfing via blogexplosion.com. Some of the sites have really nice layouts. I hope to get rid of this format when I get a chance. Generally I've been blogging at work. Wouldn't my corporation love me if they knew I was doing this ! I guess they could bust me if they took the trouble to read the log files on the main server. I've been surfing the web from my office for years and I survived 4 periods of management layoffs. I still have my job. Besides- they could always cut off my internet connection to my computer if they really wanted to.

I'll try not to be too depressing in the future. However I guess thats what blogs are for. Writing what you feel at the moment. I've only been bloggging for approx. 3 weeks now so its all new to me. I want to get back to taking nature pics with my digital camera and start a blog with them. We'll see if that comes into being. If it does, I'll provide a link in this blog.

Can't remember when...

... the last time my wife and I did something just for the fun of it all
... the last time I had overactive hormones
... the last time I had a good laugh
... the last time my brain didn't feel like mush
... the last time I had a relaxing vaction
... the last time I was able to turn down overtime work
... the last time I had any disposable cash to blow on something totally absurb
... the last time I had a true friend (other than my wife)
... the last time we were invited to go somewhere
... the last time I weighed less than 180 pounds (215 now)
... the last time I felt good about myself
... the last time cigarettes weren't part of my life
... the last time I got to read a good book

... the last time.......................................................

Working Overtime- grrrrr....

Found myself having to work 3- 14 hrs days this weekend. I'm tired already and it's only the second day. So far my mind is holding up ok as I've been getting 6 1/2 hrs sleep.

I was worrried that I might shift back into hypomania from the long hours but that hasn't happened.

Gotta work extra to save up for our vaction this summer. (airfare,rental car, hotels, food) It won't take long to eat up all the extra money that I'm going to earn on overtime....

My soul was dry...

I've just now noticed that I haven't been reading the Bible like I normally do. It just kind of fell by the wayside. As a result, my soul was getting dry from lack of a daily refreshing from the word.

In Isaiah 35:6-7 - ...for in the wilderness shall waters break out, and streams in the desert. And parched ground shall become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water: in the habititation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes.(KJV)

Even in my dry soul which has become desert like, the Lord will bring forth rivers of water which are there the bring new life to a dead area(my soul)
This is why daily reading of his word is so important. I need to rely on him more.

Hypomania!!!

Last few days I've seemed to switched into a hypomania phase. I don't know how many people have told me to "shut-up" or that I'm talking too much

My symptoms aren't as severe as they once were. I believe the Lamictal is help out in that regards. My sleeping pattern has dropped to less sleep also. Been a bit more irritated with those that are close to me. But today I feel pretty happy and good about myself. It's been awhile since I've been strongly in a hypomania phase. Only down side is the lack of sleep. But I'm still getting all but a few hours of what I normally get.

I have alot that I want to get done. Hopefully the "hypo' phase will stick around long enough so that I get get those things accomplished !