I don't really even have an major syptoms of being bipolar as I'm on the correct meds now. So now here's a relist of my first post for all you new visitors as that post is buried deep in the archives...
The Journey Began Here
I'm now 43 years old. I am Bipolar 2 (manic depressive). This blog page journeys my life history into the world of being bipolar.As a teenager, I always knew there was something not quite right with me. At times I was shy, withdrawn, backwards. At other times I was outgoing, popular and thrill seeking. I would bounce back and forth between these two worlds. However most of the late teen years was spent in on again, off again deep depressions. At the time(late 1970's) I really didn't know about depression. This was even before Prozac hit the market.
The one bright spot in my late teen years was my girlfriend (later to become my wife). Problems was is that she had as many dark secrets in her life as I did. She suffered abuse by a relative among other thing. But we loved each other deeply and our similar problems brought us even closer together. We did all the things that teenage couples do and on the outside we each were very happy together. But inside we each had our own problems. We just buried them deep inside so as not to bring the other person down.
I experimented with drugs in high school. Mostly pot and acid. I loved getting high. It was a great escape from the pain in my life. I got high as often that my limited income would allow.
After High School, I went away to college. Not just any college, but one of the top ten party schools in the country !( Brutus is their mascot)
But this fun was short lived. I finished my freshman years with a solid "C" average. I don't know how I did it.
However, I couldn't afford to return to college. I had to give up my dream of that college degree. But at least I had "fun" while I was there.
Since I couldnt afford college, I figured I do the next best thing. I asked my girlfriend to marry me and she accepted. The joy had returned into our lives (for now)......................................
We were married for only 2 months when my wife became pregnant with our first child. We were thrilled, as we wanted to have children early so that we would still be "young" when they went out into the world on their own. What I found out at this time was that I was becoming more irritable and depressed inside. As both of my children(3yrs apart) grew up, I was pretty much a prick with them as they grew older. I didn't abuse them or anything like that but when the made childhood mistakes I treated them as they were adults and should have known better. Inspite of this both children grew up to be happy well adjusted adults, and we are a very close family.
When my children were about 4-5 years old, I started having physical problems. I developed irirtable bowel syndrome, digestive problems, and sleeping disorders. I then went to my family doctor for help. The doctors basically blamed my problems on diet and stress. I took the medicines they gave me and generally felt better. The problem was that in reality I was growing more and more depressed each month. I was in a funk. I guess I didn't really realize that I was suffering from depression.
On a follow up visit to my doctors some months later, I notice a poster hanging up on the doctors wall that asked if you had these certain symptoms. They were symptoms of depression. It was at this point that I realized what was going on with me. When the doctor came back into the room, I asked about the poster and said that it sounded just like what I had. The doctor asked a few more questions and agreed that I had depression. He prescribed me Prozac.
What a wonderful drug Prozac was. It made my moods better, I finally felt the best I had in years. The only problem was is that it quit working in about 6 months or so. I just experienced Prozac poop-out. I basicaslly deceided at that point that medicines were useless so I didn't pursue it any further with my doctors.
I was feeling ok for quite awhile after the Prozac incident anyway so I just went about my business. Of course in time I started feeling bad again. I dropped into a deep depression that hung over me like a rain cloud. I still went to work everyday and did my daily chores, but I was once again in my funk.I didn't realize it at the time but I was just about to begin a 20 yr journey that would ultimately lead me to where I am today.
After I started really feeling bad again, I went back to my doctor for help with my depression. What happened now was for the next 20 years is that I would be put on just about every antidepressant known to mankind. They all had the same effect: They'd work for a few months or so then quit working. I'd get frustrated and stop going to the doctor. Then I'd repeat the cycle- feel worse- goto the doctor- new pill- works awhile then quit working- quit taking drug all together- and repeat the entire process over again. Boy how 20 years of this process flew by!
About this time my father-in-law died. My wife took it really hard. Losing her father was the worst thing that has ever happened to her. She basically had a nervous breakdown. I had to put her in the pschy ward for a week.
She was diagnoised as having schizoaffective disorder. This explained alot of the things that my wife had going on in her mind all these years. I always suspected that she was schizo in many ways. Through her hospitalization she was helped with medications. We were fortunate enough to have the head of the pschy ward as her pschyiatrist.
Over time he has helped her through medications overcome her problems. Not that shes 100% but she is now doing great.
What happened to my wife was the best thing that also happened for me! After many visits with her pdoc, I finally built up enough courage to ask to be evaluated. We made an appointment for a evaluation. Boy, it sure was very detailed. Hundreds of questions,etc. The nurse was very good at her job also. Did a complete medical workup on me also. After all the evalations, I met with my wife's pdoc. He explained to me that what I had wrong with me was that I was BIPOLAR. Thats why the antidepressants didn't work. I also scored high for stress levels and for depression. He explained in detail what it meant to be bipolar. He gave me the scientific DSM-4 definitions and he also described in plain english what it meant. He told me that I wasn't Bipolar 1 but rather Bipolar 2. Bipolar 1 has more mania than Bipolar 2. But Bipolar 2 has more and darker depression. The information the pdoc gave to me was an exact definition of what I was going through. It was like a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders!
He explained that what I really needed was a mood stabilizer in addition to an antidepressant. He put me on Paxil and Lamictal. He also prescribed Risperdal for my mind and Ativan so that I could sleep better. Over the next 5-6 weeks I started feeling great again. It takes that long to get up to the full strength of the Lamictal. I also slept the best I ever had in the past 25 years.
I read everything I could on the internet about mental health and Bipolar. It seems that I'm a text book case. What a great relief to finally get the right diagnioses.They say it takes on average 11 years from the time you see a doctor until the time you get a correct diagniose of being Bipolar. In my case it was more like 20+ years.
Now that I'm on the meds I feel pretty good most of the time. I still have my ups and downs, but it is only temporary.
This blog will now keep you updated on how I am doing. At least you know my story. Now follow the rest of my journey.......
12 comments:
Thanks for putting this archived post up. I'd never read it before & am so glad to know more about you & how you were diagnosed. I, too, was undiagnosed while raising my children & it's so amazing how kids are so resilient & forgiving, isn't it?
Happy blogiversary!
I am so glad you reposted it so we know your story! We have a lot in common, 'cept I was born in the 70's. : )
I am also glad you put your story up. I enjoy reading them and comparing the stories to mine so that I can understand what is going on in my head. The truth is that I don't know what I am. I've been diagnosed as bipolar, and currently I'm diagnosed for ADD. Who knows, who cares. Thanks for sharing though.
I too am bipolar 2, but with rapid cycling. I cycle every week or two. I am taking elavil and lamictal. Xanax as needed and ambein for sleep. I also use ultram because of the antidepressant effect it gives me. It is a pain reliever.
You describe your lows, but don't describe your highs; are you sure you not just unipolar, i.e, subject to depression only.
Most of the time with my experience with bipolar I described my depressions pretty well because the highs were not known as a "problem" probably why it takes so long to diagnose. I remember going to counselors to get out of depressions and knowing soon I would kick it and be "well' enough to take care of everythng that went to hell during the depression time. It took twenty years for my diagnosis too-WOW!
My doctor suggested to me recently that I might have bipolar 2. I read your account of what you experienced in your journey towards your diagnosis and was shocked at how incredibly similar my experience has been to yours: 20 some years on and off of virtually every antidepressant on the market with effects lasting only a matter of months each time.
What meds are best for dealing with the bipolar?
Thank you for sharing your story. Not to pry, but I was wondering, wasn't y our wife diagnosed later than is typical for a schizophrenia diagnosis (usually 20-35)? Also, would you mind terribly posting about what you meant when you said "This explained alot of the things that my wife had going on in her mind all these years"? I ask because I have gone through some extreme stress recently and have thoughts that sometimes become a little paranoid. Something is going on with me beyond the standard depression, but my psychiatrist isn't sure yet what that is. Thank you.
hi just came across your blog. i am scared. therapist thinks i am bi-polar 2 because i CAN'T take meds. SSRI's make me jittery almost like an allergic reaction; and wellbutrin XL 150 mg. gave me an emotional breakdown and after two weeks i said enough. i THINK i suffer from girls PMS even though right now i am in the throes of menopause (47 yrs. old) i have been anxious my whole life. i do worry alot --especially about my children. the manic episodes don't happen with me. abilify 1mg. kept anxiety away, was never "happy" and still cried on/off went off after 3 months due to weight gain. any ideas/ thanks for your blog.
A mental state, characterized by chronic change of mood, an extended lowering of the spirit, a loss of enjoyment of things and activities that have usually made life enjoyable. A dull, tired, empty, sad even numb feeling.
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Thank you SO MUCH for courageously telling your story! I have been on almost every antidepressant, and various combinations of them, since I was 21. Like you, Prozac was my first miracle worker. It lifted my profound depression, and seemed to even out my moods. I guess I was lucky, because it was effective for me for about 8 years. However, at age 30, when Prozac stopped working, I then began the frustrating, discouraging experience of trying a variety of antidepressants (usually a combination of 2) and they would work...maybe 6 months, maybe a year. But inevitably, the severe depression would always, always return.
All this time, I have always thought I just suffered from major depression. I never considered Bipolar because I never had wild mania. Little did I know that I fit the OTHER description perfectly... of Bipolar II!
This year, I have been seeing a new psychiatrist who told me his observations of me seemed to add up to Biploar II. I have some good days, where I feel normal, happy, like engaging with the world. Confident. Social. Then out of nowhere, I feel knocked over by severely dark days, and wish I were dead. I am a rapid cycler. My moods can change dramatically even in one day, certainly from day to day. It is classic Bipolar II.
Both my therapist and my doctor both said:
"It's as through you have 2 speeds: 1) pretty good, happy, feeling competent, or 2) extremely , profoundly depressed. Inconsolable. Can't see why you should live. Withdrawn, crying, unable to see anything good."
So, as of 3 weeks ago, we are trying a new approach, and treating me for Biploar II, not depression. I am weaning off the antidepressants (Wellbutrin and Effexor) He said they can exacerbate the rapid cycling. And very, very slowly I am building up with Lamictal. It is hard to be patient when I am feeling so bad, but it is important to go very slowly with the Lamictal. (5 years ago, which was the last time I tried it, I developed a rash right away. You have to quit taking it immediately, side effects could be death. That was under the care of another doctor.) The doctor I see now said that it is a common mistake, most people are put on a dose that is just too high right away, and their bodies reject it. So far, he has been totally right. I've been a very low dose (25mg for 2 weeks, then 50 mg two weeks, then 100 mg 2 weeks....all without a rash, which is great.) In about 2 more weeks, I will be on the therapeutic dose, which is 200 mg. And we will then be able to determine if it really works for me. In the meantime, while going slowly off the antidepressants, I kind of feel like I don't have enough of any drug in my body that can ward off the very bad depression. So I call my support system (Thank God for wonderful friends!) I exercise 30 min a day, no matter what. I try to get a lot of sleep. (I'm lucky, I can sleep the night through with no help from any drug.)
I have been a flight attendant for 20 years, flying internationally, which I am now really beginning to see as problematic for the bipolar. The lack of sleep and the time zone changes can really trigger episodes, the doctor told me. So, I am at that crossroads where I am trying to figure out what else I can do. YIKES! And that is scary, because even though I despise the company I work for (American Airlines) the paycheck has been consistent. I am very good at my job, I have lots of good letters from passengers, and I enjoy some aspects of not having a regular 9-5.
So, that has been my journey. I wanted to thank you again for sharing your story, it is such a benefit to others, like myself, who are just starting to find out (like you did) that they have had the incorrect diagnosis for 25 years!!!
Thank you so much for sharing your bipolar story! I find it so helpful to read other people's stories because I don't feel like I am going through this alone. I have been able to keep my bipolar in check by following http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ba. It has really great information about dealing with the highs and lows of bipolar.
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