Stigma...

I kept my bipolar diagnois a secret from everyone except my wife for months. I finally did tell my mom and dad and my mother-in-law. Right away they had a denial about it and said I just need to think positive thoughts.

I looked up everything I could find about bipolar on the internet and then choose the top 5 resourses and sent them links to them.
Amazing, once they read about bipolar from independant sources on the internet how their attitudes have changed.

Now they even ask me how I'm feeling (overall pretty good) and how well my meds are working (very good).

So don't be in dispair if your loved ones don't understand the nature of a mental illness. Educate them as much as possible. The internet can possibly teach them more than you can.

Eleanor Rooselvelt once said,"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"Don't let peoples ingnorance of the facts effect your self esteem.

Nobody can steal your joy- You have to give it away !

Getting rid of Paxil....

I told the pdoc that even though paxil works great for me, I can't stand the weight gain that came with it. To date I've gained over 30 pounds in the last 6 months. I cant stand to even look at myself in the mirror. I was already over weight before the paxil and now the med has me looking like a water ballon thats ready to pop.

He agreed that we can start the withdraw from paxil and then see what happens. He knows I'll still need some sort of antidepressant, but will cross that bridge in 4 weeks.
For now I'm to cut my dosage in half each week for the next three weeks then quit it altogether. My guess is that I'll end up on Wellbutrin or something similar that doesn't have weight gain associated with it.

How I feel 

Vacation and Paxil withdraws...

Enjoying my vacation- went fishing and worked around the house the last few days.
The only downside so far is that I ran out of my paxil for 2 days. Talk about withdraws- got extremely dizzy and shaky. Paxil is tough on you when you dont have it. Today I got my prescription in the mail so I'm good for the next 90 days. As soon as I took a paxil and it got back into my system I started feeling better right away.

Much needed rest and relaxation...

Last day of work. Now I'm on vacation for the next 14 days. Whoo-hoo !
Plan on doing some fishing, camping, biking and other activities that I like that I haven't done much of in the last year.

It sure can't hurt my attitude and stress levels.

Hope I didn't depress you...

I was just re- reading my last post ... It sure sounds depressing. I hope I didn't bum you out.

I'm done working the overtime and got my much needed sleep. How much sleep I get is in a direct correlation to how I feel.
In my case I tend to feel more hypomania when I get less sleep. When I'm feeling a depressive phase I tend to need more sleep. I try to not oversleep as that makes me feel worse and exhausted.

I've been blog surfing via blogexplosion.com. Some of the sites have really nice layouts. I hope to get rid of this format when I get a chance. Generally I've been blogging at work. Wouldn't my corporation love me if they knew I was doing this ! I guess they could bust me if they took the trouble to read the log files on the main server. I've been surfing the web from my office for years and I survived 4 periods of management layoffs. I still have my job. Besides- they could always cut off my internet connection to my computer if they really wanted to.

I'll try not to be too depressing in the future. However I guess thats what blogs are for. Writing what you feel at the moment. I've only been bloggging for approx. 3 weeks now so its all new to me. I want to get back to taking nature pics with my digital camera and start a blog with them. We'll see if that comes into being. If it does, I'll provide a link in this blog.

Can't remember when...

... the last time my wife and I did something just for the fun of it all
... the last time I had overactive hormones
... the last time I had a good laugh
... the last time my brain didn't feel like mush
... the last time I had a relaxing vaction
... the last time I was able to turn down overtime work
... the last time I had any disposable cash to blow on something totally absurb
... the last time I had a true friend (other than my wife)
... the last time we were invited to go somewhere
... the last time I weighed less than 180 pounds (215 now)
... the last time I felt good about myself
... the last time cigarettes weren't part of my life
... the last time I got to read a good book

... the last time.......................................................

Working Overtime- grrrrr....

Found myself having to work 3- 14 hrs days this weekend. I'm tired already and it's only the second day. So far my mind is holding up ok as I've been getting 6 1/2 hrs sleep.

I was worrried that I might shift back into hypomania from the long hours but that hasn't happened.

Gotta work extra to save up for our vaction this summer. (airfare,rental car, hotels, food) It won't take long to eat up all the extra money that I'm going to earn on overtime....

My soul was dry...

I've just now noticed that I haven't been reading the Bible like I normally do. It just kind of fell by the wayside. As a result, my soul was getting dry from lack of a daily refreshing from the word.

In Isaiah 35:6-7 - ...for in the wilderness shall waters break out, and streams in the desert. And parched ground shall become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water: in the habititation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes.(KJV)

Even in my dry soul which has become desert like, the Lord will bring forth rivers of water which are there the bring new life to a dead area(my soul)
This is why daily reading of his word is so important. I need to rely on him more.

Hypomania!!!

Last few days I've seemed to switched into a hypomania phase. I don't know how many people have told me to "shut-up" or that I'm talking too much

My symptoms aren't as severe as they once were. I believe the Lamictal is help out in that regards. My sleeping pattern has dropped to less sleep also. Been a bit more irritated with those that are close to me. But today I feel pretty happy and good about myself. It's been awhile since I've been strongly in a hypomania phase. Only down side is the lack of sleep. But I'm still getting all but a few hours of what I normally get.

I have alot that I want to get done. Hopefully the "hypo' phase will stick around long enough so that I get get those things accomplished !

Don't forget to take your medicine...

I was really sick feeling yesterday. Felt like dying there for awhile. Today I realized that I din't take my med cocktail because I had slept longer than usual (+3hrs more). Got my meds back in me today and I started feeling better rather quickly. Maybe just a placebo effect or I really was having withdraw symptoms.

Makes you wonder- how much of any pill works because you believe it will work ?

As many times as I have stopped taking anti-depressants over the years I can tell you that they work, because I always get more depressed without them. (or is it a placebo effect -LOL)

Went to the pdoc today...

I went to my appointment with my psychiatrist today. Covered the medicines I am on. My Lamictal has been at its full dosage for 4 weeks now. My mood at this time is "normal".
He was pleased to hear that. I'm still having a little bit of trouble with "avoidance" at work. As a supervisor it's my job to go where the problems are and take corrective action. Many times I still just bury my head and stay in the office hoping the problem just gets solved by the employees. ( It usually does, but I still should be there.)If I can just overcome this withdraw then maybe I'd feel better about my self esteem at work.

But overall, the last few weeks I have felt much better. My depression is not as heavy and my mood has stabilized alot. I hope the Lamictal is the answer to some of my problems with the depression and anxiety.

I'm praying I dont suffer "drug poop-out" like I have with many other medications.

I'm also glad that I have moved away from my family doctor as my primary care physican to using the psychiatrist as my primary health care provider. It's good to have somebody that specializes in the problems I am having.

My family doctor was treating me for depression only and thats why the meds only worked for a short period of time and then we'd try a differant drug. My pdoc said my main problem was that I wasn't just depressed, but that I was bipolar and that I needed a mood-stabilzer in addition to an antidepressant. What a differance the Lamictal has made.

So, I hoping for better moods now and in the future. We'll see what happens.....

Thank God for Prescription Drug coverage !

The company I work for has great insurance. Problem is that they have layed off over 250 people over the last 2 years. Thankfully I still have my job.
I sat down and went to my insurance company's web site. I can find what the prescriptions will cost me out of pocket and what the cost to the insurance company is.
Here's what I found for the drugs I'm currently on:

Lamictal - my cost= $10/month.... Real cost= $125/month
Risperdal- my cost= $10/month.... Real cost= $180/month
Lorezopan- my cost= $1.60/month.. Real Cost= $29/month
Paxcil CR- my cost= $10/month.... Real cost= $97/month

Total= my cost= $31.60/month.....Real cost= $431/month

If I lose my job at anytime in the future I guess I'll have to do without my meds. Thats a scary propostion....Make you feel bad for those who aren't fortunate enough to have good health insurance..

So appreciate it if you have good health insurance...don't take it for granted !!

If only that drug existed.....

"If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavenly, world-transfiguring drug were of such a kind that we could wake up next morning with a clear head and an undamaged constitution-then, it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise."

ALDOUS HUXLEY

Some helpful web links for Bipolar 2

McMan web site for Bipolar and Depression

Bipolar World

Bipolar.com

National Institute for Mental Health

Psycom.net

Famous People with Bipolar Disorder

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

The down side of being Bipolar 2

Since I am Bipolar 2 there are certain medicines that I need to be on. The downside of these meds are sexual disfunction side effects. Forget about mind blowing orgasms ever again. Everything is dulled. Don't get me wrong- I still have a mighty stick, it's just that you can go and go and go forever and then when you finally have a Bipolar 2 orgasm it's not much to brag about. I guess if you were a premature shooter, then being Bipolar 2 and being on the med cocktail is the thing for you.

The Journey Begins Here

I'm now 43 years old. I am Bipolar 2 (manic depressive). This blog page journeys my life history into the world of being bipolar.

As a teenager, I always knew there was something not quite right with me. At times I was shy, withdrawn, backwards. At other times I was outgoing, popular and thrill seeking. I would bounce back and forth between these two worlds. However most of the late teen years was spent in on again, off again deep depressions. At the time(late 1970's) I really didn't know about depression. This was even before Prozac hit the market.

The one bright spot in my late teen years was my girlfriend (later to become my wife). Problems was is that she had as many dark secrets in her life as I did. She suffered abuse by a relative among other thing. But we loved each other deeply and our similar problems brought us even closer together. We did all the things that teenage couples do and on the outside we each were very happy together. But inside we each had our own problems. We just buried them deep inside so as not to bring the other person down.

I experimented with drugs in high school. Mostly pot and acid. I loved getting high. It was a great escape from the pain in my life. I got high as often that my limited income would allow.
After High School, I went away to college. Not just any college, but one of the top ten party schools in the country !( Brutus is their mascot)
But this fun was short lived. I finished my freshman years with a solid "C" average. I don't know how I did it.
However, I couldn't afford to return to college. I had to give up my dream of that college degree. But at least I had "fun" while I was there.

Since I couldnt afford college, I figured I do the next best thing. I asked my girlfriend to marry me and she accepted. The joy had returned into our lives (for now)......................................

We were married for only 2 months when my wife became pregnant with our first child. We were thrilled, as we wanted to have children early so that we would still be "young" when they went out into the world on their own. What I found out at this time was that I was becoming more irritable and depressed inside. As both of my children(3yrs apart) grew up, I was pretty much a prick with them as they grew older. I didn't abuse them or anything like that but when the made childhood mistakes I treated them as they were adults and should have known better. Inspite of this both children grew up to be happy well adjusted adults, and we are a very close family.

When my children were about 4-5 years old, I started having physical problems. I developed irirtable bowel syndrome, digestive problems, and sleeping disorders. I then went to my family doctor for help. The doctors basically blamed my problems on diet and stress. I took the medicines they gave me and generally felt better. The problem was that in reality I was growing more and more depressed each month. I was in a funk. I guess I didn't really realize that I was suffering from depression.

On a follow up visit to my doctors some months later, I notice a poster hanging up on the doctors wall that asked if you had these certain symptoms. They were symptoms of depression. It was at this point that I realized what was going on with me. When the doctor came back into the room, I asked about the poster and said that it sounded just like what I had. The doctor asked a few more questions and agreed that I had depression. He prescribed me Prozac.

What a wonderful drug Prozac was. It made my moods better, I finally felt the best I had in years. The only problem was is that it quit working in about 6 months or so. I just experienced Prozac poop-out. I basicaslly deceided at that point that medicines were useless so I didn't pursue it any further with my doctors.

I was feeling ok for quite awhile after the Prozac incident anyway so I just went about my business. Of course in time I started feeling bad again. I dropped into a deep depression that hung over me like a rain cloud. I still went to work everyday and did my daily chores, but I was once again in my funk.I didn't realize it at the time but I was just about to begin a 20 yr journey that would ultimately lead me to where I am today.

After I started really feeling bad again, I went back to my doctor for help with my depression. What happened now was for the next 20 years is that I would be put on just about every antidepressant known to mankind. They all had the same effect: They'd work for a few months or so then quit working. I'd get frustrated and stop going to the doctor. Then I'd repeat the cycle- feel worse- goto the doctor- new pill- works awhile then quit working- quit taking drug all together- and repeat the entire process over again. Boy how 20 years of this process flew by!

About this time my father-in-law died. My wife took it really hard. Losing her father was the worst thing that has ever happened to her. She basically had a nervous breakdown. I had to put her in the pschy ward for a week.
She was diagnoised as having schizoaffective disorder. This explained alot of the things that my wife had going on in her mind all these years. I always suspected that she was schizo in many ways. Through her hospitalization she was helped with medications. We were fortunate enough to have the head of the pschy ward as her pschyiatrist.
Over time he has helped her through medications overcome her problems. Not that shes 100% but she is now doing great.

What happened to my wife was the best thing that also happened for me! After many visits with her pdoc, I finally built up enough courage to ask to be evaluated. We made an appointment for a evaluation. Boy, it sure was very detailed. Hundreds of questions,etc. The nurse was very good at her job also. Did a complete medical workup on me also. After all the evalations, I met with my wife's pdoc. He explained to me that what I had wrong with me was that I was BIPOLAR. Thats why the antidepressants didn't work. I also scored high for stress levels and for depression. He explained in detail what it meant to be bipolar. He gave me the scientific DSM-4 definitions and he also described in plain english what it meant. He told me that I wasn't Bipolar 1 but rather Bipolar 2. Bipolar 1 has more mania than Bipolar 2. But Bipolar 2 has more and darker depression. The information the pdoc gave to me was an exact definition of what I was going through. It was like a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders!

He explained that what I really needed was a mood stabilizer in addition to an antidepressant. He put me on Paxil and Lamictal. He also prescribed Risperdal for my mind and Ativan so that I could sleep better. Over the next 5-6 weeks I started feeling great again. It takes that long to get up to the full strength of the Lamictal. I also slept the best I ever had in the past 25 years.

I read everything I could on the internet about mental health and Bipolar. It seems that I'm a text book case. What a great relief to finally get the right diagnioses.They say it takes on average 11 years from the time you see a doctor until the time you get a correct diagniose of being Bipolar. In my case it was more like 20+ years.
Now that I'm on the meds I feel pretty good most of the time. I still have my ups and downs, but it is only temporary.

This blog will now keep you updated on how I am doing. At least you know my story. Now follow the rest of my journey.......