The Death Test...

I guess I'm to live to be 76 yrs old and die of cancer. At least thats what this online test says
Death Test

Sex, Drugs and No Rock and Roll ...

The thing I hate the most about my med cocktail is the effect on the sexual part of my being. I believe it is the Risperdal that is the main culprit.

My mind is willing, but with the mutted BIG "O" it almost makes it a waste of time for me. But just being together with my wife is what counts I guess. I dont worry about the diminished "O" that much because the making love part is better than the actual act itself. The drugs dont effect the sensitivity of touch, smell or the emotion of two people sharing a private moment together behind closed doors.

We've discusses taking a drug holiday before to see what happens. I have no problem doing this myself but my wife needs her drug regiment with her schizophrenia. I'm afraid for her to go off her meds at all due the her recent hospitalization. So we won't go down that road.

So I guess in order to function properly in life we must have to sacrifice other things in our life. I just wish it wasn't sexual pleasure ! But we know that at this point its a problem that we dont need to get too upset about...

Feeling so good that....

I've reached a point now in my treatment that I'm sure everyone in my situation has experienced... Do I really need to be on these drugs ?

I feel so good right now I am questioning the need to be on any drugs at all. Maybe I'm not even Bipolar. Maybe I was just going through a rough time in my life.

But in reality, I know it's the drugs that have gotten me to this point of feeling this good. I've done enough research to know that I would reach this point in my life. I also know it would be pure foolishness to stop my drug regiment.

It's funny that I've reached this point. I don't think there is an article about Bipolar on the internet that I haven't read. I believe I've read 25-50 blogs about Bipolar illness. All of them lead to the same conclusion... Meds do work, and don't stop taking them just because you feel good. I don't want to go back into a mania where I don't sleep or feel bad so I'll guess I'll do the smart thing and keeping swallowing all the pills...

Mail Order Drugs...Risperdal Lamictal, Ativan, Klonopin, Cogentin

Today we received in the mail, my wife's and I prescription drugs for the next 3 months. It cost me $150. That is not bad considering the drugs cost over $750 in real cost. Once again- thank the Lord that I have good health insurance and a drug card.

When I opened the huge mailing bag, it made me sick to see all the drugs and bottles contained within. If I didn't, (and wife wife didn't) really need these drugs to live a functioning life, I would have thrown them all away. It just looked disgusting to see all those pills. I can't believe we have to take all those.
In the bag: Risperdal, Lamictal, Ativan, Klonopin,and Cogentin. All in large bottles, which is stupid as most only had 90 small pills in each. What a waste of plastic.

My wife and I are very med compliant, we take all our drugs are prescribed. The best thing is that they all work. I could probably quit mine and survive and just go back to not sleeping and being in a mania and depressive state. However my wife really needs hers and would once again end up in the hospital pschy ward without them.

I guess its health through pharmacology ! I have no problem with that. Other than the fact it cost me $50 per month for drugs.

To all of you who are on my case for starting smoking again- THANKS. Not only does my wife yell at me about smoking now I have "cyber wives" yelling at me. I hope to try to quit smoking again here in the very near future, maybe in the next week or two. We'll see how it goes.

Don't feel like writing...

I've worked 76 hrs of overtime in approx 2 weeks. I'm tired, my mind is mush. I haven't fallen into a hypomanic state, but rather a depression. I simply am just tired, so maybe its just not depression.

I don't feel like blogging at all right now, so I won't......

Fell off the wagon

Well it happened. I feel off the no smoking wagon. I started smoking again. I'm just like that cartoon commerical with the guy that climbs the line and fall back again.
I'm ready to give it a try again as soon as I'm done working all this overtime at the end of the month.

Working Overtime...

Another Supervisor just went on sick leave for the next two to four weeks. That means I have to work 12-14hr days until he returns. The extra money will be nice, but AAARRRGGG.

This will give my Lamictal a run for its money. Hopefully I won't go into a mania from being too tired.

So far so good...

My endevour to quit smoking is coming along nicesly. The withdraws are still terrible but I think I can make it now. I just have to be careful at work when I'm around those who smoke.

I WANNA CIGARETTEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!....

I WANNA SMOKE ONE- JUST ONE- COME ON- JUST ONE WONT HURT- GIVE ME A SMOKE- I'LL QUIT NEXT WEEK OR MONTH...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!

This is whats going on in my mind. Everytime I want to smoke I find something to take away the pain.. .Been drinking alot of cranberry juice to try and flush out my system.
So far I've been hanging in there but it is my days off so I'm not around anyone that smokes. Monday will be the real test.

Quit Smoking...

I quit smoking today for the thousandth time. Hopefully I'll make it this time. I'm just not willing to pay for the increased cost and I better quit before I end up with cancer. Plus I won't have to listen to wife complain about me smoking anymore.
Now she won't have anything to yell at me about-LOL

Thank you...

Today my wife said " thank you for supporting me and being there for me while I was in the hospital and for putting up with the illness".

I tell you this not to say that I'm a great husband, but rather that as being a husband and wife in marriage, that we need to be there for each other during times of trouble.
I didn't give it a minute of thought that I was doing anything out of the ordinary. We took wedding vows to be there for each other "in sickness and in health".
I wonder how many couples get divorced because one person in the marriage becomes "ill"
Yes it hard when one gets sick. Yes it's nice whenever everything is going well. But we must keep to our wedding vows.
Maybe it's been a long time since you last thought about your wedding vows. Maybe it's even time to renews those vows together if only in your heart.

Just a thought.....

Wife is now home.... Seroquel...

My wife is now home from the hospital. She's doing much better. One of the problems she is having is from the toxic effects of being on Risperdal for two years. She walks a little stiff. They call it extrapyramidal symptoms. Sort of like having parkinsons. Her muscles aren't reacting normally. The doctor put her on Congentin to counteract the Risperdal. This is one of the few times I'm having my doubts with her taking drugs. If the congentin doesn't work then we'll have to have a serious discussion about the side effects and what we can do about it.

I wasn't sleeping very well the last week or so. I mentioned it to my pdoc. He gave me some sample doses of Seroquel 200mg. I took one last night to see how well it worked. I already read on the internet that Seroquel works good for a sleep aid even though thats not its main purpose. I took the 200mg tablet at bedtime. Talk about kicking your butt!! I had to get up in the middle of the night to pee and it was all I could do to get there. I was so druggged up I couldn't walk. I had to hang on to wall to get to the bathroom. Once I did wake up the next day, all I could do was sleep. Plus I was sleepy until about 2pm today. It took a strong cup of coffee to help cut the drugged up feeling. The pages I read on the internet said the normal dosage of Seroquel is 50-100mg to start. I guess my pdoc wanted me to really sleep as it worked. I wont take another 200mg again. I'll go to 100mg if I need it again. ONLY if I need it again.!!

Schizophrenia and Bipolar....

It's been a tough week as my wife is in the hospital. I've also had to work 12 hour days, go home get a few hours sleep, then go visit my wife in the hospital. Repeat the process the next day. Her new diagnosis is "schizophrenia with severe depression; an eating disorder(not eating) and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)(she obsesses about life's problems). Shes in pretty bad shape and it looks like she may be in the hospital through the weekend at least.

My bipolar disorder is actually holding up rather well. Usually when I don't get enough sleep I slip into a mania phase. So far my sypmtoms are rather stable.I'll be done working all the mandatory overtime on Monday morning. I'm deep down hoping that my wife stays in the hospital through the weekend as I can't be home to support her mentally.

And to top it off tonight, I hit a deer about 100 yards from where I work. It hit me broadside on the drivers side. It busted out the drivers side rear view mirror. No other damage to the side of the car because I drive a Saturn L200. You can hit the side of a car with a hammer and it pops back out with no damage. Dont know what its going to cost to fix the stupid mirror. Todays deer makes the 5th deer I hit with a car. Luckly there is no real damage this time.

It amazing how life can throws things at you. Sometimes you just gotta laugh !!

Day 10 of Paxil Withdraws

Nearly all my dizziness is now gone. Still not sleeping very well but that may be due in part to having to hospitalize my wife. Her relapse made it nessesary to have her go into the hospital for awhile. Sure is lonely at home without her. The visiting hours at the psych ward helps somewhat but it will be nice once she returns home.

My pdoc said he doesn't want me on any antidepressants for now. He wants to take a wait and see approach. He thinks the Lamictal will do the job.I feel pretty good right now. Hopefully it will stay that way since that means once less pill to take per day.

Day 6 of Paxil withdraws...

Day 6 isn't any better than the other days. Right now it's even hard to type as my head is spinning. Dizziness is really bad today. I also just realized how tired I am due to not getting much sleep. I've been having very vivid dreams that have disturbed my sleep. I'm still making it to work everyday. Good thing I have an office where I can go to when the withdraw symptoms get really bad . One of my employees just caught me sitting at my desk with my head in my hands because the room was spinning around. At least he asked if I was alright. I can't really see where the step-down method of cutting the dosage each week has done a thing for me. I figured the withdraws would be over by now, but I don't see any end in sight.I go to our pdoc on Monday. Hopefully he can offer suggestions.

Day #5 withdraws...

Day #5's withdraws are just as bad. No let up on the symptoms at all yet. I'm getting tired of being dizzy.But I miss what Paxil did for me. The getting too fat factor was the reason for getting rid of it. If I'd known ahead of time that the withdraws were going to be so severe I'd never have taken it. But in reality, I miss what it did for me.

Good new today is that my wife got called back to work-seems they laid off 6 people too many. She goes back to work today.

Day 3 withdraws...

Not only am I more dizzy or whoooosing feeling than yesterday, but now I'm having gastrointestional problems if you know what I mean.Also I could only sleep for 3 hrs so now I'm tired on top of it all.

And oh ya, my wife was just permanently layed off from her job today.

When it rains, it pours.... You just gotta laugh sometimes at what life throws at you...either that or go insane...

The terrible withdraws have begun...

This the is second full day without taking any Paxil. I'm extremely dizzy and have a woooooosh feeling in my head.My vision is kind of fuzzy when I move my head. I'm still functioning ok.(I'm at work typing this...90% of the time I'm at work blogging my posts) To make matters worse, my wife who is schizophrenic is going through a really bad time right now mentally. Yes we're a wacko family. I knew my wife was schizo when I married her. Shes only been hospitalized three times in the last 10 years. If it wasn't for her meds I think I'd have to hospitalize her right now. Even with her meds she is teetering on the edge.

It's taking everything out of me right now. With her sick and me having withdraws.... sort of like the saying " I picked the wrong week to quit drinking"
No I dont drink....

We'll make it through all of this somehow. But I not going back on Paxil. We see the pdoc next Monday.

Obsessed with Paxil....

I not obsessed with Paxil but rather getting rid of it. Tommorrow I start my 10mg dosage, down from the original 40mg. (was on 37.5mg CR but since the feds busted GSK and couldn't get CR anymore he put me on regular release 40mg)
So far I have NOT had any withdraw symptoms from the reduction of dosage. This week it'll be 10mg then the following week- ZERO.
We'll see what happens. Withdraw symptoms, if any will be listed in my blog.

Stigma...

I kept my bipolar diagnois a secret from everyone except my wife for months. I finally did tell my mom and dad and my mother-in-law. Right away they had a denial about it and said I just need to think positive thoughts.

I looked up everything I could find about bipolar on the internet and then choose the top 5 resourses and sent them links to them.
Amazing, once they read about bipolar from independant sources on the internet how their attitudes have changed.

Now they even ask me how I'm feeling (overall pretty good) and how well my meds are working (very good).

So don't be in dispair if your loved ones don't understand the nature of a mental illness. Educate them as much as possible. The internet can possibly teach them more than you can.

Eleanor Rooselvelt once said,"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"Don't let peoples ingnorance of the facts effect your self esteem.

Nobody can steal your joy- You have to give it away !