Thank you...

Today my wife said " thank you for supporting me and being there for me while I was in the hospital and for putting up with the illness".

I tell you this not to say that I'm a great husband, but rather that as being a husband and wife in marriage, that we need to be there for each other during times of trouble.
I didn't give it a minute of thought that I was doing anything out of the ordinary. We took wedding vows to be there for each other "in sickness and in health".
I wonder how many couples get divorced because one person in the marriage becomes "ill"
Yes it hard when one gets sick. Yes it's nice whenever everything is going well. But we must keep to our wedding vows.
Maybe it's been a long time since you last thought about your wedding vows. Maybe it's even time to renews those vows together if only in your heart.

Just a thought.....

Wife is now home.... Seroquel...

My wife is now home from the hospital. She's doing much better. One of the problems she is having is from the toxic effects of being on Risperdal for two years. She walks a little stiff. They call it extrapyramidal symptoms. Sort of like having parkinsons. Her muscles aren't reacting normally. The doctor put her on Congentin to counteract the Risperdal. This is one of the few times I'm having my doubts with her taking drugs. If the congentin doesn't work then we'll have to have a serious discussion about the side effects and what we can do about it.

I wasn't sleeping very well the last week or so. I mentioned it to my pdoc. He gave me some sample doses of Seroquel 200mg. I took one last night to see how well it worked. I already read on the internet that Seroquel works good for a sleep aid even though thats not its main purpose. I took the 200mg tablet at bedtime. Talk about kicking your butt!! I had to get up in the middle of the night to pee and it was all I could do to get there. I was so druggged up I couldn't walk. I had to hang on to wall to get to the bathroom. Once I did wake up the next day, all I could do was sleep. Plus I was sleepy until about 2pm today. It took a strong cup of coffee to help cut the drugged up feeling. The pages I read on the internet said the normal dosage of Seroquel is 50-100mg to start. I guess my pdoc wanted me to really sleep as it worked. I wont take another 200mg again. I'll go to 100mg if I need it again. ONLY if I need it again.!!

Schizophrenia and Bipolar....

It's been a tough week as my wife is in the hospital. I've also had to work 12 hour days, go home get a few hours sleep, then go visit my wife in the hospital. Repeat the process the next day. Her new diagnosis is "schizophrenia with severe depression; an eating disorder(not eating) and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)(she obsesses about life's problems). Shes in pretty bad shape and it looks like she may be in the hospital through the weekend at least.

My bipolar disorder is actually holding up rather well. Usually when I don't get enough sleep I slip into a mania phase. So far my sypmtoms are rather stable.I'll be done working all the mandatory overtime on Monday morning. I'm deep down hoping that my wife stays in the hospital through the weekend as I can't be home to support her mentally.

And to top it off tonight, I hit a deer about 100 yards from where I work. It hit me broadside on the drivers side. It busted out the drivers side rear view mirror. No other damage to the side of the car because I drive a Saturn L200. You can hit the side of a car with a hammer and it pops back out with no damage. Dont know what its going to cost to fix the stupid mirror. Todays deer makes the 5th deer I hit with a car. Luckly there is no real damage this time.

It amazing how life can throws things at you. Sometimes you just gotta laugh !!

Day 10 of Paxil Withdraws

Nearly all my dizziness is now gone. Still not sleeping very well but that may be due in part to having to hospitalize my wife. Her relapse made it nessesary to have her go into the hospital for awhile. Sure is lonely at home without her. The visiting hours at the psych ward helps somewhat but it will be nice once she returns home.

My pdoc said he doesn't want me on any antidepressants for now. He wants to take a wait and see approach. He thinks the Lamictal will do the job.I feel pretty good right now. Hopefully it will stay that way since that means once less pill to take per day.

Day 6 of Paxil withdraws...

Day 6 isn't any better than the other days. Right now it's even hard to type as my head is spinning. Dizziness is really bad today. I also just realized how tired I am due to not getting much sleep. I've been having very vivid dreams that have disturbed my sleep. I'm still making it to work everyday. Good thing I have an office where I can go to when the withdraw symptoms get really bad . One of my employees just caught me sitting at my desk with my head in my hands because the room was spinning around. At least he asked if I was alright. I can't really see where the step-down method of cutting the dosage each week has done a thing for me. I figured the withdraws would be over by now, but I don't see any end in sight.I go to our pdoc on Monday. Hopefully he can offer suggestions.

Day #5 withdraws...

Day #5's withdraws are just as bad. No let up on the symptoms at all yet. I'm getting tired of being dizzy.But I miss what Paxil did for me. The getting too fat factor was the reason for getting rid of it. If I'd known ahead of time that the withdraws were going to be so severe I'd never have taken it. But in reality, I miss what it did for me.

Good new today is that my wife got called back to work-seems they laid off 6 people too many. She goes back to work today.

Day 3 withdraws...

Not only am I more dizzy or whoooosing feeling than yesterday, but now I'm having gastrointestional problems if you know what I mean.Also I could only sleep for 3 hrs so now I'm tired on top of it all.

And oh ya, my wife was just permanently layed off from her job today.

When it rains, it pours.... You just gotta laugh sometimes at what life throws at you...either that or go insane...

The terrible withdraws have begun...

This the is second full day without taking any Paxil. I'm extremely dizzy and have a woooooosh feeling in my head.My vision is kind of fuzzy when I move my head. I'm still functioning ok.(I'm at work typing this...90% of the time I'm at work blogging my posts) To make matters worse, my wife who is schizophrenic is going through a really bad time right now mentally. Yes we're a wacko family. I knew my wife was schizo when I married her. Shes only been hospitalized three times in the last 10 years. If it wasn't for her meds I think I'd have to hospitalize her right now. Even with her meds she is teetering on the edge.

It's taking everything out of me right now. With her sick and me having withdraws.... sort of like the saying " I picked the wrong week to quit drinking"
No I dont drink....

We'll make it through all of this somehow. But I not going back on Paxil. We see the pdoc next Monday.

Obsessed with Paxil....

I not obsessed with Paxil but rather getting rid of it. Tommorrow I start my 10mg dosage, down from the original 40mg. (was on 37.5mg CR but since the feds busted GSK and couldn't get CR anymore he put me on regular release 40mg)
So far I have NOT had any withdraw symptoms from the reduction of dosage. This week it'll be 10mg then the following week- ZERO.
We'll see what happens. Withdraw symptoms, if any will be listed in my blog.

Stigma...

I kept my bipolar diagnois a secret from everyone except my wife for months. I finally did tell my mom and dad and my mother-in-law. Right away they had a denial about it and said I just need to think positive thoughts.

I looked up everything I could find about bipolar on the internet and then choose the top 5 resourses and sent them links to them.
Amazing, once they read about bipolar from independant sources on the internet how their attitudes have changed.

Now they even ask me how I'm feeling (overall pretty good) and how well my meds are working (very good).

So don't be in dispair if your loved ones don't understand the nature of a mental illness. Educate them as much as possible. The internet can possibly teach them more than you can.

Eleanor Rooselvelt once said,"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"Don't let peoples ingnorance of the facts effect your self esteem.

Nobody can steal your joy- You have to give it away !

Getting rid of Paxil....

I told the pdoc that even though paxil works great for me, I can't stand the weight gain that came with it. To date I've gained over 30 pounds in the last 6 months. I cant stand to even look at myself in the mirror. I was already over weight before the paxil and now the med has me looking like a water ballon thats ready to pop.

He agreed that we can start the withdraw from paxil and then see what happens. He knows I'll still need some sort of antidepressant, but will cross that bridge in 4 weeks.
For now I'm to cut my dosage in half each week for the next three weeks then quit it altogether. My guess is that I'll end up on Wellbutrin or something similar that doesn't have weight gain associated with it.

How I feel 

Vacation and Paxil withdraws...

Enjoying my vacation- went fishing and worked around the house the last few days.
The only downside so far is that I ran out of my paxil for 2 days. Talk about withdraws- got extremely dizzy and shaky. Paxil is tough on you when you dont have it. Today I got my prescription in the mail so I'm good for the next 90 days. As soon as I took a paxil and it got back into my system I started feeling better right away.

Much needed rest and relaxation...

Last day of work. Now I'm on vacation for the next 14 days. Whoo-hoo !
Plan on doing some fishing, camping, biking and other activities that I like that I haven't done much of in the last year.

It sure can't hurt my attitude and stress levels.

Hope I didn't depress you...

I was just re- reading my last post ... It sure sounds depressing. I hope I didn't bum you out.

I'm done working the overtime and got my much needed sleep. How much sleep I get is in a direct correlation to how I feel.
In my case I tend to feel more hypomania when I get less sleep. When I'm feeling a depressive phase I tend to need more sleep. I try to not oversleep as that makes me feel worse and exhausted.

I've been blog surfing via blogexplosion.com. Some of the sites have really nice layouts. I hope to get rid of this format when I get a chance. Generally I've been blogging at work. Wouldn't my corporation love me if they knew I was doing this ! I guess they could bust me if they took the trouble to read the log files on the main server. I've been surfing the web from my office for years and I survived 4 periods of management layoffs. I still have my job. Besides- they could always cut off my internet connection to my computer if they really wanted to.

I'll try not to be too depressing in the future. However I guess thats what blogs are for. Writing what you feel at the moment. I've only been bloggging for approx. 3 weeks now so its all new to me. I want to get back to taking nature pics with my digital camera and start a blog with them. We'll see if that comes into being. If it does, I'll provide a link in this blog.

Can't remember when...

... the last time my wife and I did something just for the fun of it all
... the last time I had overactive hormones
... the last time I had a good laugh
... the last time my brain didn't feel like mush
... the last time I had a relaxing vaction
... the last time I was able to turn down overtime work
... the last time I had any disposable cash to blow on something totally absurb
... the last time I had a true friend (other than my wife)
... the last time we were invited to go somewhere
... the last time I weighed less than 180 pounds (215 now)
... the last time I felt good about myself
... the last time cigarettes weren't part of my life
... the last time I got to read a good book

... the last time.......................................................

Working Overtime- grrrrr....

Found myself having to work 3- 14 hrs days this weekend. I'm tired already and it's only the second day. So far my mind is holding up ok as I've been getting 6 1/2 hrs sleep.

I was worrried that I might shift back into hypomania from the long hours but that hasn't happened.

Gotta work extra to save up for our vaction this summer. (airfare,rental car, hotels, food) It won't take long to eat up all the extra money that I'm going to earn on overtime....

My soul was dry...

I've just now noticed that I haven't been reading the Bible like I normally do. It just kind of fell by the wayside. As a result, my soul was getting dry from lack of a daily refreshing from the word.

In Isaiah 35:6-7 - ...for in the wilderness shall waters break out, and streams in the desert. And parched ground shall become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water: in the habititation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes.(KJV)

Even in my dry soul which has become desert like, the Lord will bring forth rivers of water which are there the bring new life to a dead area(my soul)
This is why daily reading of his word is so important. I need to rely on him more.

Hypomania!!!

Last few days I've seemed to switched into a hypomania phase. I don't know how many people have told me to "shut-up" or that I'm talking too much

My symptoms aren't as severe as they once were. I believe the Lamictal is help out in that regards. My sleeping pattern has dropped to less sleep also. Been a bit more irritated with those that are close to me. But today I feel pretty happy and good about myself. It's been awhile since I've been strongly in a hypomania phase. Only down side is the lack of sleep. But I'm still getting all but a few hours of what I normally get.

I have alot that I want to get done. Hopefully the "hypo' phase will stick around long enough so that I get get those things accomplished !