Memory loss

I've noticed over the last 6 months that my memory is terrible. I've also have been doing some technical studies related to my job. I'm having a very hard time grasping what I'm learning. Most of the time I don't even understand what I'm reading. I consider myself a relatively smart person who learns quickly, but that all has changed.
I get in the shower and I can't even remember if I just washed my hair, so I wash it again. My long term memory is not too bad, just my short term. I feel like I'm in the starting stages of senility.
I think this has to be drug related. I will discuss this with the pdoc on Monday. This is causing me a great concern.
I've been off Risperdal for at least 8 months, and just this week I started my detox from Lorezapam. I'm on 30% less ( 3mg >>2mg) of the Ativan/Lorezapam. Of course, I'm sleeping like crap and not getting a restfull sleep, but I expected that. Working 12hr days since March doesn't help. On the 3mg I was sleeping soundly. Now I wake up way too soon and go back to sleep and wake up again. Not very refreshing sleep.
With the change of the weather to the cold and dreary season, that has effected my mood also. I can even see it effecting those at work also. This can be expected. But its not good on my Bipolar.
I've been feeling really good for the longest time but now I feel myself slipping away. This is another concern that I will bring up with my pdoc.

As you notice with this blog, I haven't been posting for the longest time. Now that I'm having problem again- well here I am. Just like an unhappy customer writing a complaint letter, I am back to posting.

If I could just get my memory problem solved, that would make me happy. Right now it's dragging me down. Hopefully the pdoc can work on this in a non drug realted way. I'm so sick off taking drugs !

Have a great day!

Lorazepam Addiction...

Of course I've been taking Lorazepam for a long time. I'm taking 3 mg at night as a sleep aid. Now is seems that my addiction needs more. I'm starting to wake up sooner than I should.

My wife weaned herself off of Clonopin a few weeks ago and has been sleeping good ever since.

I'm not ready to beat this addicition as of yet. I'm going to wait until after our vacation next month and then start the slow process of detoxing.

I plan on following a typical detox regiment, by cutting the dosage a small percentage at a time, do that for a few weeks, then cut again, then repeat.

So for now, I'm supplementing my addiction with 1mg of clonopin. Clonopin works for 8 hrs verses the 4 hrs for Lorazepam ( Ativan). It really helps and I am sleeping soundly again.

I know it before you all say it- "don't take other peoples medications". I am very fimilar with all the drugs in our household. So I'm going to use whats avaiable for now. Gotta do whata gotta do .

Feeling Good

With the current drug regiment I'm on, I feel completely "normal".
That's why i haven't posted anything in quite awhile.
As long as the meds continue to work like they are I really have nothing else to report on this blog.
If anything changes I 'll be sure to post.
Other than that, I have nothing to say

The pdoc visits..free drugs

We'll I went to the pdoc over a week ago. There is really no reason for my wife or me to even be there anymore. We are very stable. Always have a good report from the pdoc. The ONLY reason we have to go is the "scam" that he can't issue us our prescriptions without a doctors visit every three months.
I got on him about the six week delay in not sending in the paperwork so that we could get our drugs for free since I lost my job and had no health insurance. We did get a two month supply of Lamictal for free. However the Risperdal drug paperwork came back from the drug company only a few eeeks before my new insurance came into effect. He didn't want to issue the drugs to me because he felt it would be fradulent due to the fact it was so close to my new coverage.
If they'd just had done the paperwork right away we could have had all our drugs for free and I wouldn't have had to pay for them out of pocket for three months.

I told him about my attempt to stop taking the Lorezapam (generic Ativan). I told him of the violent reaction I had. Couldn't sleep, very irritable, etc. He was a little upset that I tried that on my own. He said the only way you can get off the benzos is under doctor supervision over a six to eight week period. I know thats the truth !!

I'm working 10-14 hrs day in my new job right now. If anyone believes the economy is bad then you should work where I do. The is not enough days in the week to fill all the orders we have. This manufactoring sector is booming in our area. The company is properly managed and we are building a new prototype for customers nearly every week. What a differance between the job I lost and the one I have now.

Im so busy right now that I barely had time to even post this.

Makes you wonder

Ever since I was diagoised as being Bipolar, I have been prescribed Lorazepam (Ativan) for stress, but mainly to help me sleep. I only take it at bedtime (3mg) I was doing some random surfing tonight and came across this old article....


..."Golombok and her coworkers were unable to follow up with tests after drug termination. However, these findings of chronic brain dysfunction raise a serious concern about possible permanency. The investigators comment: "It is impossible to determine how long it is safe for a patient to continue to take benzodiazepines, or at what dose, before cognitive ability will begin to deteriorate. Nevertheless, it is clear from the inspection of our data that taking a low dose for a short time has little effect, while a high intake is almost always certainly harmful." (P. 371)
The test results indicate that "these patients are not functioning well in everyday life," while they remain unaware of their impairment: "This is in line with clinical evidence that patients who withdraw from their medication often report improved concentration and increased sensory appreciation and that only after withdrawal do they realize that they have been functioning below par.... It appears, therefore, that not only are long-term benzodiazepine users at risk of dependence, but that cognitive impairment also represents a very real hazard." (P. 373)
It cannot be overemphasized that brain-disabling treatments render patients less able to evaluate their own dysfunction. The Golombok study is exceedingly important from the viewpoint of the patient who wishes to avoid brain dysfunction and from the viewpoint of the ethical physician who wishes to avoid causing it in his or her patients.
If doctors wish to prescribe minor tranquilizers or if patients want to take them, it would be prudent to follow the advice of The New Harvard Guide to Psychiatry ( 1988): "The main usefulness of the antianxiety agents is in general medicine in the short-term treatment of relatively transient forms of anxiety, fear, and tension" (p. 524). "

I've been taking a benzo (Ativan) for two years now. It hasn't effected me one bit. At learsytn the ntrhats tyhf knogfy thshtjhsxn at least that I know of !!

Makes you kind of wonder (or paronoid)if that you really are able to your own best judge of things.

Go to the pdoc on 5/8. Let you know how it went.

Repost of my first blog here at bipolar 2

My blog is now nearly one year old so I thought I'd repost my very first entry of this blog that tells my story. As I look back on my blog, it's amazing how thing have changed for the BETTER in my life.

I don't really even have an major syptoms of being bipolar as I'm on the correct meds now. So now here's a relist of my first post for all you new visitors as that post is buried deep in the archives...

The Journey Began Here

I'm now 43 years old. I am Bipolar 2 (manic depressive). This blog page journeys my life history into the world of being bipolar.

As a teenager, I always knew there was something not quite right with me. At times I was shy, withdrawn, backwards. At other times I was outgoing, popular and thrill seeking. I would bounce back and forth between these two worlds. However most of the late teen years was spent in on again, off again deep depressions. At the time(late 1970's) I really didn't know about depression. This was even before Prozac hit the market.

The one bright spot in my late teen years was my girlfriend (later to become my wife). Problems was is that she had as many dark secrets in her life as I did. She suffered abuse by a relative among other thing. But we loved each other deeply and our similar problems brought us even closer together. We did all the things that teenage couples do and on the outside we each were very happy together. But inside we each had our own problems. We just buried them deep inside so as not to bring the other person down.

I experimented with drugs in high school. Mostly pot and acid. I loved getting high. It was a great escape from the pain in my life. I got high as often that my limited income would allow.
After High School, I went away to college. Not just any college, but one of the top ten party schools in the country !( Brutus is their mascot)
But this fun was short lived. I finished my freshman years with a solid "C" average. I don't know how I did it.
However, I couldn't afford to return to college. I had to give up my dream of that college degree. But at least I had "fun" while I was there.

Since I couldnt afford college, I figured I do the next best thing. I asked my girlfriend to marry me and she accepted. The joy had returned into our lives (for now)......................................

We were married for only 2 months when my wife became pregnant with our first child. We were thrilled, as we wanted to have children early so that we would still be "young" when they went out into the world on their own. What I found out at this time was that I was becoming more irritable and depressed inside. As both of my children(3yrs apart) grew up, I was pretty much a prick with them as they grew older. I didn't abuse them or anything like that but when the made childhood mistakes I treated them as they were adults and should have known better. Inspite of this both children grew up to be happy well adjusted adults, and we are a very close family.

When my children were about 4-5 years old, I started having physical problems. I developed irirtable bowel syndrome, digestive problems, and sleeping disorders. I then went to my family doctor for help. The doctors basically blamed my problems on diet and stress. I took the medicines they gave me and generally felt better. The problem was that in reality I was growing more and more depressed each month. I was in a funk. I guess I didn't really realize that I was suffering from depression.

On a follow up visit to my doctors some months later, I notice a poster hanging up on the doctors wall that asked if you had these certain symptoms. They were symptoms of depression. It was at this point that I realized what was going on with me. When the doctor came back into the room, I asked about the poster and said that it sounded just like what I had. The doctor asked a few more questions and agreed that I had depression. He prescribed me Prozac.

What a wonderful drug Prozac was. It made my moods better, I finally felt the best I had in years. The only problem was is that it quit working in about 6 months or so. I just experienced Prozac poop-out. I basicaslly deceided at that point that medicines were useless so I didn't pursue it any further with my doctors.

I was feeling ok for quite awhile after the Prozac incident anyway so I just went about my business. Of course in time I started feeling bad again. I dropped into a deep depression that hung over me like a rain cloud. I still went to work everyday and did my daily chores, but I was once again in my funk.I didn't realize it at the time but I was just about to begin a 20 yr journey that would ultimately lead me to where I am today.

After I started really feeling bad again, I went back to my doctor for help with my depression. What happened now was for the next 20 years is that I would be put on just about every antidepressant known to mankind. They all had the same effect: They'd work for a few months or so then quit working. I'd get frustrated and stop going to the doctor. Then I'd repeat the cycle- feel worse- goto the doctor- new pill- works awhile then quit working- quit taking drug all together- and repeat the entire process over again. Boy how 20 years of this process flew by!

About this time my father-in-law died. My wife took it really hard. Losing her father was the worst thing that has ever happened to her. She basically had a nervous breakdown. I had to put her in the pschy ward for a week.
She was diagnoised as having schizoaffective disorder. This explained alot of the things that my wife had going on in her mind all these years. I always suspected that she was schizo in many ways. Through her hospitalization she was helped with medications. We were fortunate enough to have the head of the pschy ward as her pschyiatrist.
Over time he has helped her through medications overcome her problems. Not that shes 100% but she is now doing great.

What happened to my wife was the best thing that also happened for me! After many visits with her pdoc, I finally built up enough courage to ask to be evaluated. We made an appointment for a evaluation. Boy, it sure was very detailed. Hundreds of questions,etc. The nurse was very good at her job also. Did a complete medical workup on me also. After all the evalations, I met with my wife's pdoc. He explained to me that what I had wrong with me was that I was BIPOLAR. Thats why the antidepressants didn't work. I also scored high for stress levels and for depression. He explained in detail what it meant to be bipolar. He gave me the scientific DSM-4 definitions and he also described in plain english what it meant. He told me that I wasn't Bipolar 1 but rather Bipolar 2. Bipolar 1 has more mania than Bipolar 2. But Bipolar 2 has more and darker depression. The information the pdoc gave to me was an exact definition of what I was going through. It was like a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders!

He explained that what I really needed was a mood stabilizer in addition to an antidepressant. He put me on Paxil and Lamictal. He also prescribed Risperdal for my mind and Ativan so that I could sleep better. Over the next 5-6 weeks I started feeling great again. It takes that long to get up to the full strength of the Lamictal. I also slept the best I ever had in the past 25 years.

I read everything I could on the internet about mental health and Bipolar. It seems that I'm a text book case. What a great relief to finally get the right diagnioses.They say it takes on average 11 years from the time you see a doctor until the time you get a correct diagniose of being Bipolar. In my case it was more like 20+ years.
Now that I'm on the meds I feel pretty good most of the time. I still have my ups and downs, but it is only temporary.

This blog will now keep you updated on how I am doing. At least you know my story. Now follow the rest of my journey.......

My new job...

Its now been two weeks since I started my new job. Just got my first paycheck in three months.

I can't believe the differance between this factory and the last one I worked in. Its very clean and organized. This company makes nearly all their shipments ontime, which is a huge differance from my old job.

So far I'm basically in a confused state, learning a totally new process that I knew nothing about coming into it. Of course my main job is managing people (supervision) and these people don't behave any differant than the people at the other plant. People are pretty much the same no matter where you go.

The largest differance in the people is the fact that most of them barely speak english. Most are Croatian. I've already mananged to learn a few basic words from them. My feeling is that if they are in America, working for Americans, they are the ones that have to learn the langauge. The other thing I've noticed is they are hard working. They are not afraid of work, unlike the lazy Americans at my last job. They appreciate their job and are thankful to have it. They are paid very well for their efforts, as this is a union shop.

After about another month of training I will move to afternoon shift. After seven years of working midnights, maybe I will sleep alot better. This should help with any mania that I have. I look forward to the change.

It was kind of nice being out of work for three months. It was like a long vacation( a long boring one). But I am glad to get back to work and start a new chapter in my life.

Spitting nails angry !!!@#$%@

I called the pdoc to see if they processed my free meds forms. She said they were done but never sent out!!. There is an administration charge for filling them out and they needed to talk to me before sending them out.
I gave them the forms a month and 1/2 ago and their just now telling me this. I'm so mad I could... (don't even want to think about would I'd like to do).

So now I had to have them give me prescriptions that will carry us over for now. That all comes out of my pocket.

I'm so pissssssssssssssssed offfff right now I could scream !

Where's my free prescriptions?

Towards the end of January, we ordered all of our drugs from the manufactures through their patient assistance programs. It's now been over one and a half months with no drugs or letters. I've been told it takes two months or longer to recieve them.

Even though I have a new job starting next week, I still won't have the group insurance plan in effect until May 1. I'm starting to get worried we will not see these free drugs and that I'll have to go to the pharmacy and pay full price for the drugs because we will run out of drugs before that.

If you've had any experience with patient assistance programs, please leave your experience in the comment section 0f this blog or email me @bipolartwo@gmail.com.

Currently the medicines my wife(schizoaffective disorder) and myself(Bipolar 2) are on is Risperdal, Lamictal, Lorazapam, Klonopin, Benztropine. I quit taking the Risperdal and have seen no ill effects from it. I haven't taken any Risperdal since I lost my job. I wanted to save my prescription for my wife to use in case we ran out of drugs or money.

My state has a "discount" drug card. I already have this plan in my possession. According to their website the Risperdal is $185/month and the Lamictal is $116/month at the DISCOUNTED prices. Multiply that by the two of us and thats $602/month just for those two drugs. The other drugs are alot cheaper than those. I do have a little bit of money in the bank to cover this if we have to but it would destroy us in the end. COME ON FREE DRUGS- WHERE ARE YOU???

Got a Job !!

I know I haven't updated for a long time but here goes...

After two and a half months of being unemployed and without insurance, I finally got a job. I actually got TWO jobs and an invite for a third interview for another job. It sure was nice to be in a position of power and be able to choose the right job. My new job pays me what I was making at my last job which is really good. I was afraid I would be taking a huge paycut when starting a new job. So now I'll be able to pay all my bills and stay on budget. Whats really nice is that with the generous severance pay I recieved when my old job cut me lose, i'll be able to pay off some loans. That will free up an additional $300 per month. Plus I paid $190 a month for insurance at my old job and now I only have to pay $9.00 per month for the new insurance. So basically I'll have almost $500 per month more in my pocket ! The new insurance pays 90/10 also. The only downside is they don't have a prescription drug card where you pay $15 or $30 per prescription. The new insurance pays 80% of the drug costs so I don't know what that will cost me out of pocket for our drugs.

I'm going to call the pharmacy to see what each of our drugs costs in the real world. I had also applied to all the drug companies patient assistance programs for free drugs, but one month has gone by and we haven't heard anything yet. I've been told it can take two months or so to receive them. If we do get the drugs for free, we will take full advantage of the program. Technically I wont have health insurance until May 1 anyway.

So after two months of hitting the streets looking for a job, I ended up finding my job right from the comfort of my own home- on the internet !. I found my new job on careerbuilder.com. Isn't the internet great !. You wouldn't been able to say you found a job on the internet just five or ten years ago. I love technology !

Of course I have to go for a drug test. I know the lorazepam will show up on the drug screen so I'll have to make sure I tell them about it upfront so I don't fail the test. Other than that I'm ready to start work. I start on March 6th. So now I'm offically on VACATION since I no longer am actively seeking a job!!

Still unemployed...

As of today, I still don't have a job. I was a supervisor for 20 years but the problem is that new employers want a four year degree. That I don't have. I've also found out that I'm overqualified for other jobs. Employers must figured I earned way too much on my old job and don't want to hire me because of that.

All I need is a decent paying job with insurance. I have enough money left to keep us until the end of Febuary or the middle of March. At that point if I don't have a job paying close to what I was making before, we will lose our house and seven acres. Basically everything we worked hard to get. We built our new home three years ago and I don't really want to lose my "stuff". But I guess that is all it is- just "stuff". So if that happens there really isn't much we can do about it. We'll just move on.
Guess that life in the "rust belt"